Some of you know I have been going through a tough season
for the last seven months or so. Some of
you know bits and pieces. Some of you
don’t have any idea. I thought it was
high time I just share a bit of what’s been going on.
Last summer I embarked on a journey to really get healthy,
eating right and exercising. I was
pushing myself pretty hard but nothing over the top—at least not for the
average person (let me just say, I have horrible joints & ligaments—loose and
weak, they don’t like to support my muscles very much). I was
experiencing some fantastic results—weight loss, getting stronger, feeling
better…
Then in October, I started having a pretty nagging and
sometimes severe pain on my right hip/groin area. I took it easy and rested a bit, hoping it
would go away, then finally saw my doctor.
Turns out my hips and pelvis were a mess (I was ordered NOT to do
anymore one-legged squats since my joints would rather rearrange my muscles rather than support them). I got
adjusted, started seeing a chiropractor regularly but the pain persisted. During all this time I was also told to stop
exercising (except walking—which is not something I can do because of my
terrible feet…see reference to joints, above), and not to lift anything over 10
pounds.
I followed doctor’s orders, I switched to an anti-inflammatory
diet and tried to get better.
Eventually, after finding a swollen lymph node in my groin, which
ultimately went down on it’s own, the doctors also discovered a femoral
hernia. I had surgery in January to fix
the hernia, and as it turned out, to sew up my entire right inguinal area, as
well, which was about to herniate.
Recovering was slow and painful but in late March I was ready to clean
up my diet again and start some activity.
Then my lower back started hurting…
I tried to ignore it.
I tried some stretches and at-home interventions but ultimately made
another trip to the doctor. She was
pretty mad at me. My back was a wreck—she
couldn’t even adjust me. Home I went
with a lecture, steroids, and muscle relaxers.
A week later she adjusted me and prescribed physical therapy.
Through this journey, and especially when my lower back went
out in March, I got very angry. I am so
frustrated by the fact that I can’t do my life.
How do you take care of a home, or your kids, or work, or anything when
you can’t lift over 10 pounds?! When you’re
told, “Don’t do anything.” I was having
a pity party. I was rebelling against the
way my body was telling me to behave and I did stuff I wasn’t supposed to…guess
how that worked out?
I came to the realization a few weeks ago that for whatever
reason, the Lord really wants me to walk through this season where I cannot
depend on my own strength. For whatever
reason, I am dependent on those around me for my practical needs and Him for my
comfort and peace. In order to drive
this point home, in the last couple of weeks whenever I tried to do even the
smallest task, I ended up further injured and limited. Now I am not allowed to do any kind of
rotating of my torso—so no sweeping or mopping.
I’m not to bend over—so no dishes, laundry, picking stuff up off the
floor. I thought I was limited before…
It is a very big change for me. I am the doer. I am the fixer. I am the one who gets things done when others
don’t. If I asked one of my kids or
husband to help with something and it didn’t
We were just talking a few mornings ago. I was thanking Him for bringing me through
this journey and hoping I would learn the valuable lessons in this that I need
to learn. I want to move on. I want to regain my health and vitality but I
know I need to do it at a different pace than what I would force myself to
do. God had some challenging words for
me…
I have totally bought into and am a product of our culture’s
self-indulgent nature. I want what I
want and I want it now. I will run to
the store if I don’t have it. I will
charge it if I can’t afford it. I do
what I want when I want and while I know that is a serious character flaw and I
continue to work on it, it has been a constant struggle. I do well for a while, then I see something I
really want, or I come up with some brilliant idea that I need to act on right
now (nevermind that if it really were a brilliant idea it would be just as
great a year from now as it would be tomorrow).
I know logically that I need to trust in God’s timing, that I need to
stop making things happen in my own strength, that I really need to
SUBMIT. I have been praying about
submission for years, now.
After my little chat with God, He let me know that this was
a very practical, physical lesson on my very struggle. I have been angry and frustrated because I
want what I want and I want it now. I
want to be able to clean my house, to build chicken coops, to plant gardens, to
work out, to do, do, do whatever I deem is necessary now and I can force myself
to accomplish. While I have been praying
for God to help me submit my strong will and live in His timing and guidance, I
have not applied all that knowledge and desire practically with much
success. And here, I find myself doing
exactly that, in a very practical and physical way.
God knows that I am good at thinking, contemplating,
problem-solving, but I have always learned best when I could apply the lesson
practically. I’ve been contemplating
these issues and character flaws for some time but I guess I needed the practical
application to bring it home. God was
letting me know that He is teaching me about submitting my own will and
desires, not operating (or forcing myself to operate) in my own strength, and
learning dependence. I am in the midst
of it now and while I still have moments of frustration, my attitude has
changed dramatically in the last few weeks.
I get it now (that’s not to say I’m cured of my natural tendency for
self-gratification but it’s a work in progress!).
After my convo with the Lord, I logged onto Facebook to see
what the world outside my home was up to.
A dear friend, who is walking through her own horrific struggle right now, posted at that very moment this excerpt from Jesus
Calling:
"THANK ME for the conditions that are
requiring you to be still. Do not spoil these quiet times by wishing them away,
waiting impatiently to be active again. Some of the greatest works in my
kingdom have been done from sickbeds and prison walls. Instead of resenting the
limitations of your weakened body, search for MY way in the midst of these very
circumstances. Limitations can be liberating when your strongest desire is living close to Me.
Quietness and trust enhance your awareness of My
Presence with you. Do not despise these simple ways of serving Me. Although you
feel cut off from the activity of the world, your quiet trust makes a powerful
statement in spiritual realms. My strength and Power show themselves most
effective in weakness.
Zechariah 2:13; Isaiah 30:15; 2 Corinthians 12:9"
Zechariah 2:13; Isaiah 30:15; 2 Corinthians 12:9"
Nothing like talking with God
and then getting immediate confirmation right afterward. God is so good!
So that’s been my journey over
the last half a year or so. I am so
grateful for His grace and strength in this time. I AM grateful for the important things that I
can still do. I am thankful for a job
that I can primarily do from my Lazyboy (or even bed when I’m flat on my back),
I’m thankful for cuddle time and reading stories to by precious boys, I am
thankful I can spend a day sitting with a grieving friend and providing
companionship, I am thankful for extra time to spend in the Word and prayer
time—there is so much more! Have I said
it yet…God is so good!
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